I was just pathetic

This is going to be long
and bored as hell. Just a note for myself.

Since I think I'm ready to get over this.
I think I'm ready to spill the beans now.

I was really depressed weeks ago.
because I got kicked out of choir. haha!
Somehow, I find it funny now.

I think I should put it in this way instead.
I'm not qualifiy to sing for competition.
To be in the team.
Despite being desperate over the years to sing,
the current me would have went to persuade Gan to put me in.
Instead I happen to believe my voice wasn't good enough.
However, a week after I found the courage to go to consult her.
I asked what makes me not qualified for comp
and I think I actually stared at her in disbelieve
when I heard her words.
She said my voice is too loud for choir.
Okay, that's acceptable.
And she continued, saying that I don't have
expression when I'm singing.
Days later I arrived with the conclusion thinking that
I have nothing to lose not being in the team.
Till then on Friday's Chinese singing comp,
me and Wen won first place for duet.
Yet she was one of the judge
and she actually tell me we sounded nice.




I went home
locked myself in my room
suffocate myself with the pillow
and cried my eyes and heart out.

To be honest,
I confronted Gan for the third time today after being kicked out.
Let me explain, firstly,
I didn't intend to consult her to ask what's wrong with me in the first place.
It just came out wrong from my mouth.
I wanted to tell her I desperately wanted to sing for choir
because I was not given the chance to do so for the past few years
cos' my dad just don't like me singing.
You see, some may say my parents are supportive. Well,
they are during family day cos' it's what they like. Bussssinesss.. know?
When it comes to singing, my dad thinks I'm embarrassing him.
Till I sang in front of his friends during a party
which made him speechless
that now although he didn't support me
at least he didn't discourage me.

God knows,
I'm not even in now even my dad gave me the permission to sing.
As I've said, it came out wrong.
I ended up asking what's wrong.
For my second attempt.
I asked the same question again that she told me I'm expressionless.
Today, which I know it's too late,
I still went to her. This time I told her what I WANT TO SAY.
She said I should have went to her earlier that I'm too late now.
From that moment, I know I am all to blame.
I hate myself for being a coward.
People nowadays always say,
chances are very rare to get,
you have to make one for yourself.
I knew, I just ruin one.

I'm totally over it now.
I've learned from my previous lesson
that there's no point being regret
or feeling bad over something that had been done.
You'll just hurt yourself more not moving on.

You probably don't get what I'm saying here.
As long as I get it that's fine.

---------------------------------------------

Studies just can't get me distracted.
Books can thou.
I've been reading lately.
and here's 4 books that I would say.
It's nice and I think those who likes romance will like this.





Plus,
watch these. Please. Can't embed.
I'm sorry you have to take this trouble but just go watch these, will you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjm2i37xSM8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVU4IkzMNIo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4mB94ejivU

-------------------------------------------

You should have seen me sing on Friday.
You'd be proud of me.
Wen and I was singing our song.
How I wished that you were here for me now
so that I won't walk thru these with God only.
Well, at least I know I have him and he's here for me always.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight

Maryam.
May your Allah berkat you always in everything.
Altho it's just a short time knowing you.
I already know that you're a good friend.
You'll have a great journey ahead in life.
because you're a great person.
You berkebolehan in everything.
Your studies is obviously good.
cause' you're in Matahari.
Your sports..
Me and Kar Mun and also yellow house
are so proud of you.
and you definitely did a great job for the house.
No matter in running
or getting involve in deco
or helping out for Kar Mun
and me when we're both not around.
As an outsider,
I can see too that you're one of the great leader in KRS.

Continue shinning.
'Cause you're already blinding me eyes x)

Thank you so much
for being my friend
for being part of yellow house and did so much
and for everything that I forget to mention.
It's nice to get to know you.

Love you Yam :)

I'm going to miss you.
We're all going to miss you lots.

-------------------------------

I'm happy.

I made you smile today.
For the first time this year.

Now that I've got nothing to keep me busy from taking you away from my mind.
I'm missing you badly again..

I thought I could use him to forget you.
But I was wrong.
Wrong in the sense that it's unfair for him.
Wrong in the sense that it's a bad thing to do.
Wrong in the sense that he could help me to forget you.
Or even replace you.

No. He doesn't know that I fancy him or whatever you say, admire. I just like him. That's all. As in more-than-friend-a-little kind of like. and No. We're not together or will be.

Well he's an attraction to me.
but you still have my attention.
like you have all the while.
because I'm just a little too not over you..

It's the 11th month tomorrow.
and by such a coincidence
the moon will be full again.

---------------------------------

Nothing special.
I just want to jot this down so I'll remember.

7th April 2009, Tuesday
Phone kena rampas.
for the first time in my school life.

Won't be blogging much from now on.
Mom is keeping the computer cable.
I can hardly get my hands on the comp.

Smile always :]

untitled

I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears because I know it is time for you to go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. I feel your sadness and my own loneliness, and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release me. And then you step away from me. I long to go with you but your only response is to shake your head because we both know that is impossible.

I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone sitting on that cold cement floor leaning against a table in an empty classroom. I do not care what others think as I hug my knees, bow my head and cry and cry and cry. For I know, that will be your last touch, the last time you wipe the tears off my cheeks...

Do you remember that Friday?


I miss the days when you love me..

resurrect

yes. I'm talking about Jesus and Easter.

and also yellow of course.
we definitely rise from death.
Viva la Vida will be the juniors' responsibility
for next year =D

today's post will be about..

LI QI

Happy Birthday!!

Just a little detail.
We've known each other since standard 2. Yup, we've been friends for 10 years but for some reason during last few years we've been see-no-talk friends. I have to say that we are not close.

As I've said in his card,
it's a blessing and joy to have a friend like him.

He's nice and is a friend
that you need and can be trusted.

He's that kind of friend
that will be there for you when you need him
although he's not really close to you.

He use to have a really bad temper
but he changed.

He's committed in things that he's doing.

He's a great leader.

He's gifted with many talents.

He's able to do almost everything.

He's good in sports, basketball, KRS and whatsoever.

He's good in academic
and was always the first in the whole form
when he's in primary school.

He can sing well.

He's born on April Fool day so can joke well.

He got nice colour skin.

He has what a guy need.
Muscles x)

Well, all I can say is he's nice and is a good guy.

Qi, don't worry because you're almost perfect. You'll met your Cinderella soon and be bless with excellent results not just for SPM but in everything you're going to do in life. You're a great person and I believe you'll do tons of great things in future and succeed in life.

May God bless you always.

Lots of love
from your
used-to-sit-beside-you-in-primary-school
friend.